Some relationships are toxic, so toxic in fact that we don’t even realize what a negative impact they can have and how much they can drain us. One day you think you are close to someone and the next you wonder if they are your enemy.
But it’s hard to let go of a relationship in which we spend so much energy, even if we know the balance is not right and suspect people are playing the blame game with us and holding us back from believing in ourselves.
“Those who are dedicated to a life of wisdom understand that the impulse to blame something or someone is foolishness, that there is nothing to be gained in blaming, whether it be others or oneself.” Epictetus
How do you know if you are dealing with a blamer?
Blaming others is a form of narcissism, meaning an inflated sense of one’s self-importance. Narcissists are well known for blaming others for their problems and by doing so they are projecting their own insecurities onto the other person, who is usually not to blame at all for whatever they are being accused of. Example: the person that prangs their car and says it was your fault for distracting them when they were driving!
People who blame refuse to be accountable for their own actions and failures, as a result they put blame where it doesn’t belong, on others. Deep down blamers know they are wrong but they like to be in control and get caught up in their own game; blaming others makes them feel better about themselves and their own failures.
Blamers make you feel fearful of taking a risk toward your dream goal in case you fail and when you fail they’ll be there to say “I told you so”. People like this will slow you down and maybe it’s time to let go of them or adjust your behavior when you are with them. Understand that their behavior is not about you, something inside them is broken, and your happiness or existence triggers, their own insecurities to surface.
These negative people blame as a defence mechanism. They usually have self-esteem issues and can be described as selfish and self absorbed. They pretend that they can do no wrong and it’s the other person who is in the wrong all the time. They also don’t realize how negative they are and how this can make others feel. Blamers say they feel misunderstood and when challenged around their blaming behavior they interpret it as persecution without acknowledging their part in the situation.
In a blamer’s mind it seems logical and acceptable to blame others instead of taking responsibility for themselves. To blame is self-perpetuating and self-reinforcing, it’s a way of avoiding external repercussions while seeking something from a target, whether it is emotional, monetary, fun, reassurance or psychological stability.
What should you do about someone who blame you?
- Do consider if you should hang out with someone who makes you feel guilty in the first place or into a one-way street relationship, where you put a lot of energy into bonding but the reciprocal feeling only exists in your illusion.
- Believe in your instinct and common sense and ask yourself if you are really to blame in a situation where you are being blamed.
- Have a good sense of yourself. How would you have acted if you were the other person? If you conclude that you are being treated unfairly just peacefully remove yourself from the situation without feeding the blamer’s ego.
- Seek relationships with people who believe in you and support your dreams.
- Keep a positive attitude because some people really suck the energy out of you so there is no point trying to make them admit their mistake, it just won’t happen. Everyone deserves compassion but we cannot change other people’s behaviors, only our own.