DEALING WITH TOXICITY

Some relationships are poisonous, so much in fact that we don’t even realize what a negative impact they can have and how much they can drain us. One day you think you are close to someone and the next you wonder if they are your enemy. But it’s hard to let go of a relationship in which we spend so much energy, even if we know the balance is not right and suspect people are playing the blame game with us and holding us back from believing in ourselves.

“Those who are dedicated to a life of wisdom understand that the impulse to blame something or someone is foolishness, that there is nothing to be gained in blaming, whether it be others or oneself.” Epictetus

How do you know if you are dealing with a blamer?

Blaming others is a form of vanity, meaning an inflated sense of one’s self-importance. Egomaniacs are well known for blaming others for their problems and by doing so they are projecting their own insecurities onto the other person, who is usually not to blame at all for whatever they are being accused of. Example: the person that prangs their car and says it was your fault for distracting them when they were driving. Self centered individuals refuse to be accountable for their own actions and failures, as a result they put blame where it doesn’t belong, on others. Deep down blamers know they are wrong but they like to be in control and get caught up in their own game; blaming others makes them feel better about themselves and their own failures. Blamers make you feel fearful of taking a risk toward your dream goal in case you fail and when you fail they’ll be there to say “I told you so”. People like this will slow you down and maybe it’s time to let go of them or adjust your behavior when you are with them. Understand that their behavior is not about you, something inside them is broken, and your happiness or existence triggers, their own insecurities to surface.

These negative people blame as a defense mechanism. They usually have self-esteem issues and can be described as selfish and self absorbed. They pretend that they can do no wrong and it’s the other person who is in the wrong all the time. They also don’t realize how negative they are and how this can make others feel. Blamers say they feel misunderstood and when challenged around their blaming behavior they interpret it as persecution without acknowledging their part in the situation. In a blamer’s mind it seems logical and acceptable to blame others instead of taking responsibility for themselves. To blame is self-perpetuating and self-reinforcing, it’s a way of avoiding external repercussions while seeking something from a target, whether it is emotional, resources, fun, reassurance or psychological stability.

What should you do about someone who blame you?

• Do consider if you should hang out with someone who makes you feel guilty in the first place or into a one-way street relationship, where you put a lot of energy into bonding but the reciprocal feeling only exists in your illusion.

• Believe in your instinct and common sense and ask yourself if you are really to blame in a situation where you are being blamed.

• Have a good sense of yourself. How would you have acted if you were the other person? If you conclude that you are being treated unfairly just peacefully remove yourself from the situation without feeding the blamer’s ego.

• Seek relationships with people who believe in you and support your dreams.
• Keep a positive attitude because some people drain energy out of your aura so there is no point trying to make them admit their mistake, it just won’t happen. Everyone deserves compassion but we cannot change other people’s behaviors, only our own.

Did You Know?

1- The unpaid care work done by women is estimated $10.8 Trillion a year – three times the size of the tech industry
2- A diverse workforce drives economic growth
3- Global inequality is now more about class than nationality
4- You can form a first impression of someone in one-tenth of a second
5- “Diversity is the key to constant change and advancement in our society” and understanding diversity begins with the recognition that “out of many, we are one”
6- Recruiting from a diverse pool of candidates means a more qualified workforce
7- Higher inequality is associated with lower mobility rates
8- Papua Nueva Guinea has been labeled the most diverse country
9- Men own 50% more of the world’s wealth than women, and the 22 richest men have more wealth than all the women in Africa
10- Diversity fosters a more creative and innovative workforce
11- The UN’s General Assembly declared 21st of May as the World day of Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development
12- Women and girls put in 12.5 billion hours of unpaid work every day
13- Gender and racial income inequalities were reduced in the 20th century but remain high
14- Equal access to education, health and high-paid jobs are key to lift pretax income at the bottom of the distribution

Facts Sources: The Kompaz Project CISV, Oxfam.org, The World Inequality Database (WID.world)