Each morning you take the time to stare at the bathroom mirror, hoping that your face can hide your insecurities for one more day – you already know the day will be spent interpreting people’s smile and analysing your neighbours motives behind their small talk. You suspect them to see the seven, sixteen or twenty-one year old hiding behind an adult mask…
Then you’ll walk down the street, look around and notice that even if the decor has changed, your feelings towards certain places remain the same. You ring one of your parents; the tone, the phone, the conversations, and the numbers change but the underlying theme and the unspoken words remain unchanged.
The unspoken contains truths too shameful to be spoken, mixed with painful insecurities better left unexpressed. These fearful feelings and memories keep you stuck in the past, hold your present hostage, and the future is left alone to unfold.
Fear is a feeling we carry with us from dawn till dusk, from home corners to far away borders and from childhood to adulthood, as if a cloud was blurring the vision of who we really are meant to be.
The past holds you back from your future perhaps because you are insecure about a defect that an old friend or a school teacher reflected back at you. Later in high school, the bullying tongues spread embarrassing gossip in the playground. Finally, you made it to the age of freedom but a powerless administrator working for a low emotionally intelligent institution refused to offer you a job – you are under qualified and overqualified. All these rejections gave birth to the festering resentment and the fear that resides inside of you.
Living in the past, thinking of yourself as an outcast and behaving as one: your conscious mind is attending pop star singing castings whilst your subconscious mind is listening to classical music. The recording device stored in the back of your mind is singing the chorus of a past remark: “You are not enough”.
The casting judge call you, the time to shine has come! You jump in the air to show off a ballet pirouette… Even though you practiced pop moves all night, you ended up making a fool of yourself. Now it’s too late but you realise that just being you, smiling in a trendy outfit would have made it. By overdoing it, you spoiled it.
Letting the future unfold like buying a lottery ticket and leaving it to fate, leaving the past unsolved until your vision becomes foam, and you are unable to resolve the fog in your thoughts. It’s easy to avoid dealing with insecurities since you harbor them and no one else can see them but you worry about where your physical body needs to be. That’s why you felt like an imposter the other day at a job interview…
You knew when you got the call that you wouldn’t be hired, what will be will be and there is nothing to lose so you went, unprepared. According to you, there is no point in trying to make a good first impression when all your life you’ve been told you lack of charisma. The irony is in the email you received afterwards, stating the reason why you haven’t been selected: “Although you are a charismatic person, you didn’t seem to have taken the time to learn more about our company”. By under-doing it, you spoiled it.
That’s what happens when you don’t deal with your insecurities; even if the front door is locked, the ghosts from the past are in, haunting your heart. The mind touches the pillow, some of the parasites have been swept under the carpet, the rest are hanging there under the bed. Tonight, wherever the dreams plans to go, they’ll be held back, captive of the untreated parasites crawling under the mattress and of the ghosts who overstayed their welcome; until you awaken to the idea that the best thing to do is to, extinguish and expel them.
Clean up your past! It’s beneficial for your self development to receive external feedback and points of view about your strengths and weaknesses, however, believing every opinion and taking each judgement to heart without questioning the facts, leads to holding on to untruths. Note: The way others treat or judge you only tells you more about them because we reflect onto others what we reject or lack in ourselves.
You are the one in charge of your life, therefore I suggest, instead of self sabotaging your present based on past experiences and creating more chaos for the future, make better use of your precious time by meditating on the following three questions:
- What is your truth?
- What are your insecurities?
- What are your fears?
The things you’ve done, said or been the victim of are in the past. If we were to hold each others accountable for past mistakes for the rest of our lives then the barbaric death penalty would be widely spread. It’s part of nature to go through circles of renewal and there is a valid argument to give everyone a second chance but repeating the same old patterns because you ignore the lessons that life through on your soul’s path is an unwise way to waste one’s life. Acknowledge that changing your life demands effort, courage and persistence as opposed to giving up too soon out of fear.
Once you faced these memories and learned from them, focus on the, now, to make sure you don’t repeat mistakes in the future. Stop doubting your dreams and be willing to enter unsafe or rather unknown territory. Check in with the real you, your inner self, the one without insecurities and fears. Find out who that is, and you’ll probably find that a lot of your worries are unfounded and aren’t likely to happen but they prevent you from thinking ahead because there is no time left to plan for what will be, in a mind in conflict constantly worrying, about what has been.
Well keep this in mind: Live in the present; remember who you are and what you love doing only. Move on from your haunting and embarrassing history or from the flashbacks of who you were that became too familiar – this is the reason why the past is holding you back from your future. Don’t be too hard on yourself, cut yourself some slack by cutting off the past so that you can move freely towards the future!